I began my new job a couple of weeks back. I’ve never worked in a Chinese Kitchen before, always been domesticated when it comes to kitchen affairs. I’ve done a few shifts so far because it’s part-time at the moment and only easing me back into employment, is what I was informed. So far I’ve noticed that the restaurant kitchen is a very busy place to work, especially on weekends when it is at it’s busiest. Obviously more people have free time at the weekends to go out to eat at a decent and enjoyable restaurant. Anyway, enough about my work life.
I’m persistently making slow progress at the moment after crawling from a dark place. I found I treated it completely terribly because even with the help I’ve had over the years, from mental health professionals, and friends being unsupportive, I noticed everything was being interpreted as though they were all enablers. The discussions I had with my CPN at the time and the Mental Health Supported Housing (Stonham) really helped me focus on my goals at the time and that’s when I finished my degree. All this time I’ve noted that I’ve had so much support over the years where people were acting like enablers rather than giving me skills. It became quite confusing when I was suddenly dropped by all the support, my mum thought that because I had moved out, that was the end of her problems and somehow I’d be fine.
Unfortunately the ‘natural alpha’ I befriended for years was a very poor example of a decent person. Moving forward, I think we both took what we needed from each other as best friends (bros4lyfe) because I’ve learned a little about Shadow aspects from Jungian psychology which helped me make sense of why I kept acting impulsively. If anything the way I’ve evolved has become opposite of being stifled in the sense that I’m more liberated to determine my own choices and become more assertive in character, taking hints from my friends, ‘aggressiveness’. If you think about aggressiveness as being one-sided, assertiveness is like a neutral win-win situation type of communication-based in positive aggressiveness, there is a compromise yet both parties involved are respected equally. I have to come to terms with the fact that my sense of humour has been on a rollercoaster throughout my life and that I definitely have to tone it down when talking to kids. I sometimes swear like a sailor too so having to readjust to children is imperative as a personal responsibility. They don’t put age rating certification on movies for no good of reason. Online I’m a troll to some degree, plausibly within current restrictions and I’ve not gone into a business so I don’t claim copyright to anything other than my own photography when possible. I believe in fair and just treatment like most decent people.
The way I see the reason behind why I took up work, and wanted to work in a restaurant part-time, is because I’ve taken ‘a path less travelled’. I spent years in education, claiming benefits with mental illness (an affective disorder) and through treatment, support, energy, effort and engagement spent on investing in myself, educating myself about important topics regarding my life and lifestyle (I was getting a schooling from my peer group), eventually began making moves to employment, which is one of the key reasons I wanted to take my own life back when I first started self-harming over a decade ago. I still have work to do but I no longer feel I need to fight the system so much for and with constant shunning to attempt to get the counsel I need for mental HEALTH. This is my boundary function in order, being put into practice. It will take time and effort to change and adapt but at least the intention is there. “I’m not getting any younger.”