I went through DYD’s Deep Inner Game program earlier this year and gained immense value from the program. The development of ideas in relation to the inner workings of personal psychology are exceptional for learning an understandable system of concepts that build up the psychology framework in your mindset to trust yourself to make better sense of your inner world. Now something I’ve struggled with for years is my boundary function. My parents brought me up to get along well with others, share things, be nice, polite and kind, to give to others, to help others, to put others first, all the typical societal programming children from good families go through. These behaviours and these manners have not served me the way they were prescribed. I have been walked all over for years, been a people pleaser most my life and had many poor life experiences and lack of social skills all my adult life. I was told by peers not to be too nice, stop giving things to people, shared things that ended up getting stolen, treated like I was a pervert for asking a woman nicely for a small general request, taken advantage of for being the ‘nice guy’, always putting others first meant that I was always losing out.
Mature boundary function is a system of boundary function that works from the operation of experience and intuition based on reference experiences and your knowledge base acquired from previous life experiences. The idea is to “Move away from pain and towards pleasure”. Life lessons make us put up walls that prevent same occurrences of second class behaviour being directed our way. Dr. Paul says that instead of having walls (which can prevent opportunity occurring) we should have doors. The handle to be on our side of the door so we always have a choice as to what we let in through our boundary and what we don’t. Putting up a wall just prevents experience which we fine time future experience from. Having a mature boundary function means you respect yourself not to allow old mishaps, unwanted experience to reoccur and to allow new experience and grateful experiences to occur.
We build our boundary function through our preferences. What we like or don’t like, what we value and what we disdain, or don’t value at all, maybe find unwanted and unmerited. So as you go through life these preferences are forever changing but right now what you have is your current preferences. So to build a mature boundary function you need to consider what you will accept and what you won’t accept based on your preferences, experiences and intuition. It’s common for people to have similar preferences and this is how we make connections with other people, we tend to mix with people based on commonalities or preferences. By figuring out what you will and won’t accept, what you like and don’t like, you can make decisions based on these preferences. It therefore acts as a system that builds your boundary function over time maturely. I believe it’s an elegant model and a useful system to meditate upon at regular times over the course of your life. By building a mature boundary function it will inevitably increase your self-esteem and confidence.