Public Journal

What is Love? Baby, Don’t Hurt Me.

Defining a true objective for your abilities in love and life is something worthwhile.  I read and listen to audiobooks in my free time and I’ve found that a lot of them (self-help) make the point of actually sitting down and doing the planning part of setting goals before setting out to achieve and to follow through.  I know it’s difficult for some people that they live busy lives and don’t want to waste their time on menial tasks.  It also goes that some people don’t know what to do when it comes to writing out meaningful goals and true purpose of doing the writing out (of those goals).  It goes without amiss that if you haven’t put the effort into learning how to do this then you will not achieve much.  What does writing out goals have over just going and getting them?  By writing them out you actually remember your goals, can revise them and stay focused on them.

One defining purpose for your love life should be to find someone who admires you, will care for you, support you and will respect your boundaries.  It’s impossible to want anything less from someone who doesn’t demonstrate these to you from a genuine place of sincerity.  So what is love to you?  Would you go to the ends of the Earth for someone?  Is it required that they go to the ends of the Earth for you?  Is it important that the person is obsessed beyond belief with you?  Is it important that they will do more than you ask out of sheer kindness?  Will they support you when you are broken and down?  Will they support you when you have nothing?  Will they help you get back on your feet?  Who is this person?  What does he or she look like?  How important is it to you to find love?  Or are you not ready for commitment?  Does love actually mean commitment?  Are we ready to grow together and become more dynamic and interesting people together even if it isn’t for eternity?

Sometimes by asking the right questions you gain deeper insight into your own agenda which you may or may not strike on another’s reality.  By actually figuring out what you want you set the course of your own desire.  We all learn and grow dynamically at our own pace.  Some people like and enjoy a whole host of friends, huge social circles, a huge amount of friends and followers from around the internetable globe.  Some people prefer more closed off circles and fewer followers and fans, not wanting people to be interested in their lives.  Are you more of a public person or a private person?  What does it mean to yield to circumstance when the opportunity arrives?  If love hit you in the face today would you be ready and willing to submit to its confinement?  Incarcerated by the passion and domination of intense and powerful emotions making you act irrationally.  We all know how that feels.  Individually what do you demand of yourself?  What is the next part of what you desire to be more of a person?  This is ideally what you should look for in a partner.  Someone who wants to share experience and life lessons with you to the point that you BOTH gain something from the relationship.

What is love?

Public Journal

Oneitis Job Interview.

Are you smart?  Most people like to think of themselves as smart in some way or another.  Smart people do smart things.  I considered myself smart for a long time but maybe the hubris of imagining I knew more than others led to much folly.  I’ve got some modest academic qualifications, I’ve been social most of my adult life, I learned martial arts for eight years during my teens, I’ve photographed stuff for roughly 18 years on and off.  Am I smart?  Probably quite smart in those fields, if not having exhausted them and finding ways not to be autistic talking to people who had no interest in them.  I like to think I’m smart to some degree, a mixture of book smarts and street smarts but I’m just an average guy with a heart to pursue things in ways that develop my character and creative mind.

It’s time to take control of my personal evolution.  I studied game/pick up for roughly ten years on and off, never really seeing it as a serious goal, more entertainment and self-gratification while being self-amused about it.  Of course I found the emails from PU Gurus hilarious, ridiculous and scam-like.  I learned who was useful to me and who was all hype.  I learned it’s mostly down to your own level of understanding of female psychology and interpersonal relationships.  I learned that time sat behind a screen, or reading a book is not the same as action.  I learned a bit of Red Pill and went through a second depression.  I’m still alone, single, improving the quality of my life.  What does the quality of life come down to?

I’ve been beating around the bush attempting to improve all kinds of areas of my life for years and not really getting anywhere.  In ‘The Mystery Method’ life is broken into three main parts; Health, Wealth, and Love.  My romantic life has been terrible for at least a decade, I’ve not had any real success with the ladies and it’s stolen many idle moments of thought.  My health is average, my wealth is sub-par.  Neglect in these areas has come about by trying to improve them.  For some reason, I’ve been faced with so much adversity because of the neglect of love in my life.  I’ve fought constantly with my parents over the years, trying to please them, failing, trying to make amends for past mistakes and life lessons.  My romantic life, like I mentioned has gone in total reverse ever since I got into pick up.

This previous few weeks have been life altering to some degree.  I started getting suicidal again and took to self-harm, crying for help by sharing it on social media.  Every now and then I do a friend request blitz on Facebook to connect with new people, prevent falling into the mindset that there are no different people out there.  By chance a woman I had met through one of my blitz’s called me on Facebook messenger and invited me to her home for drinks in the next town.  I went, we shared stories (she’s a borderline recoverer) and had a whale of a time just getting to know each other’s dysfunctional lives.  We cleared up our sexual orientation etc too.  Unfortunately she claimed and stayed convicted to a lesbian stance and I ended up way to drunk to do anything but go home to bed.  We messaged several times afterwards and after years of learning pick up I completely forgot everything I learned, turned into a wussy and started admitting I couldn’t stop thinking about her, I wanted her, well, we can still be friends right?  I sensed sexual tension when I was with her but I might’ve been delusional.

I want to do whatever I want to do.  I’ve had a massive amount of oneitis on this girl, crushing on her in my mind and imagining a life in some imaginary future with her.  It’s ridiculously shit.  I feel like I’ve never met a woman before and I’ve hit the big time.  Can’t stop thinking about her, won’t get her off my mind, she’s a lesbian, she’s a challenge, so I’m acting like an Average Frustrated Chump.  It’s pointless, it’s futile, it is a total waste of my time and I’m probably making her uncomfortable.  It’s dislikable for us both.  So what do I do?  I get completely shitface drunk and message her some crazed hip hop sounding rubbish that is hard to follow and she replies with “Are you drunk?”  The weird thing about this girl is she’s a short fuse when it comes to messaging.  This is where I’m reading signals wrong.  She’s just being friendly, and a ‘good friend’ and I’m reading it like she’s attracted to me.  What if I could magically turn this around?  What if I’m trying to force love onto her?  Solution? GFTOW.  Sounds helpful but I’ve not got laid in ten years at least.

So since I made a fool of myself messaging her like a chump for the last fortnight, drunk messaged her barely understandable English last night, I’ve chosen to commit to my blog.  That’s right, I’m going to be writing and pursuing other interests that I’ve neglected for the past two years since my depression relapsed.  Last night I went for a job interview and have been reserved first choice for the position.  This is something totally out of my comfort zone and something I’ve never thought of doing professionally before.  In fact, I feel like I need to come to the point of a decision for this position within the next three months just so I can rationalise whether it is worthwhile or not.  Thinking about my future resalistically has pulled me out of the oneitis funk though.  I can actually focus on what is achievable in the near future instead of battling wits and wills with some woman who already made excuses not to get romantically involved.  Why would I want a woman who doesn’t outright want me?